Unwanted Soul Mate

Published August 2, 2009

I knew soon after Anders (not his real name) started working with me, I was in trouble–he didn’t like me.  I wished I could have just ignored him, but unfortunately, this was the new manager I now reported to.  Within weeks, he was making plans to hire someone “over me,” someone more strategic.  Logically, I knew all this happened too quickly (I didn’t have time to screw up that significantly) for me to take it personally–but of course, I did.

Throughout my life, I have been a people pleaser (though I didn’t admit it until recently).  So, I found myself trying to change myself hoping to get him to like me and have him “see the light–about what a great person I was.”  I made several attempts–becoming more assertive, giving him more information, trying to be his “buddy,” — nothing seemed to work.  My self esteem  spiraled lower and lower–there must be something wrong with me.

It was then I had my first experience using a Coach.  Barbara was terrific–she was always able to take whatever issue I had and helped me see another perspective.  I always felt more positive and more empowered after each of our sessions.  (Note: Barbara would be my inspiration to become a Coach some 10 years later.)

One of the things she told me was that Anders was sent as a soul mate for me.  What–you have to be kidding.  How do other people find romantic soul mates and I got him?  What did I do wrong to deserve that? Barbara explained that soul mates are really people who are sent to us to learn from.

After awhile, I finally accepted her definition, but I couldn’t figure out what on earth my lesson was–except perhaps feeling badly about myself.  I struggled with Anders for another 7 years and there were many painful moments.  I continued to try and figure it all out, so I could move on.”

Eventually, I was able to see that Anders was sent to push me towards loving myself–just as I am.  I didn’t need to please anyone else. The blessing I received was freedom to be authentically me.  This awareness happened gradually, but I am amazed what a difference this has made in my life.

I’d be interested in hearing what lessons you learned from people who have crossed your path.

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