And as many times as I thought I would just suck it up and collect my paycheck, I realized I couldn’t just leave my pain at work.  I spent so much energy trying to survive from 9 to 5, that I was exhausted by the time I got home.  How many times I promised myself to figure out what was next for me.  But all my energy had been used up during the day.  Well, maybe tomorrow…

I just needed a few more years before I could retire in style.  What was a person to do? I tried to stick it out.  But while my head was repeating my “five more years” mantra, my body knew otherwise.  I ended up with intestinal problems resulting in several uncomfortable tests (you know the kind) and an emergency room visit.  My wake up call finally came when someone said I looked like an “abused puppy.” Guess I wasn’t fooling anyone.

Like a lot of people, I stayed because I was convinced would never be able to earn good money and do something I loved.  That was 4 years ago and now I’m excited helping women make the same boat load of money AND work their passion.  Why do we have to choose?  Sure it doesn’t happen overnight, but it’s worth the journey!  What’s stopping you from walking through the door toward your possibilities?

[Note: In case you're curious--my intestinal problems have gone away almost completely.  Chronic stress sure does a number on our bodies!]

I was impressed with the many ideas that this group of women have individually created.  It boggles my mind how unique we all are; and yet our journey and challenges in starting our businesses is somewhat the same.  All the speakers and attendees were there to support each other with knowledge and cheering each other on.  No competition there.

All the speakers gave real-life examples for us.  There was no pie in the sky philosophies–just practical tips you could apply to your own situation.  But it was not without cheering and motivation.  These were real people that had suffered the same types of set-backs and “issues” as the rest of us.  If they made it–we can too.

Tory is a very down-to-earth person.  She made herself available to everyone–including a zillion photos with everyone.  I admired her for bringing her kids to the conference.  They were just returning from resident camp and she didn’t want to spend the weekend without them.  Her kids were kept busy with various tasks and photo taking–a great family.

The two other organizers besides Tory were Michelle Pippin and Laurie Baggett.  All great presenters and achievers in their own right.  All n’ all — a power-packed weekend.  If you have a chance to get to the next conference — I suggest you take it!

Whether you’re a small business owner or looking for a job or  information–start with your current network of friends and family. Maybe the person you know can direct you to someone  who is in your targeted profession and maybe that person knows someone who works in one of the companies you want to work in.

I quickly learned in business, you cannot predict who might be able to connect you with a referral or potential client. It started soon after I got my coaching certification–I was selling my house and my Realtor knew someone who was in a transition and might be open to coaching.  It took me by surprise then, but now I have seen how making connections works in the most surprising way.

LinkedIn and Facebook are excellent ways to expand your network. Adding quality comments or questions on a regular basis.  Get your “people” to help you.  Then, look at the connections of your friends and family.  Add folks that you think might be worthwhile to add to your own network.  That’s the way it grows–one person at a time!

I enjoy my state of denial most of the time, but then I get those not-so-subtle reminders. You know–like the time you first wondered if your doctor is old enough to shave—let alone realizing he is young enough to be your son. Then there’s the time when you go to the movies and the attendant gives you the senior discount without you asking. But there was no escaping the message of getting my letter from Social Security earlier this year giving instructions about when I would be eligible for Medicare next year.

I was never one of those people who pictured myself driving a golf cart in my retirement–frankly, I knew I could never afford it. And that was even before the economic meltdown of the last few years. Despite knowing my biological clock was ticking, it took a few shakes and a kick to get me moving to discover what was next for me. If this sounds familiar–read on!

You know when you look at those maps in the mall or in a park and look for the “You are here” symbol? See if any of these describe where you are now:

Corporate Soldier: You’ve put in your time and have had a long career–sometimes feeling it is a lot longer than the number of years on the calendar! The last few years have been particularly stressful. With every reorganization or right-sizing, you worry whether you’ll be next. You come home exhausted, but keep vowing you are going to take some time and “figure out what’s around the bend for you.”

On the Bridge: You’re already on the retirement bridge. There’s no “someday” about it. The day is now and the only thing that stops you from moving forward is that it feels so overwhelming.

Been there, done that: You did the practical thing and had a career that provided for you and your family. But there’s something more out there for you. You have a few ideas what that could look like, but you haven’t done anything to narrow it down.

Something more: You don’t have a clue what “it” is, but you know there’s something more. If only you could figure out what that is.

Option E: All of the above

It wasn’t too long ago when I was exactly in the same spot (yes, I would have picked ”E”) I kept thinking, “There’s got to be something I could do that would be more fun than this. I should start thinking about it…”

That never happened until my friend, Jackie (www.spiritgemsconsulting.com), became a coach. When I learned Jackie was becoming a coach, I knew it was time—no more excuses. Jackie helped me discover lots of things about myself I had buried. My confidence grew and by the time I got laid off, I at least knew the direction I wanted to go (not that I had done anything about it!)

Many of you have already heard my story, so I want to share a bit about one of my first clients—Virginia Jurkin. Virginia gave up her corporate career and savored the days being Mom for her now 9 year old daughter. Virginia contacted me when she was realized she was ready for some additional challenges. Having had a successful career working in some very well-respected companies, we naturally started exploring jobs that built on those experiences.

As time went on, though, it became evident that going to work every morning and returning later in the evening was not a schedule that fit her anymore. Virginia quickly realized how this change would impact everyone in her family as well.

With so much being done virtually these days, we began exploring the possibility of working from home. I remember Virginia wondering whether working from home would give her the people contact she craved. I assured her that while she wouldn’t have co-workers sitting next to her in the next cubicle every day, there would be lots of opportunities to meet with people for marketing, networking, support and maintaining her business.

It wasn’t hard to discover Virginia’s passion. It was evident that the years of being a care-giver for her mother in law during her last days had made a memorable impact on her. While many of us might have felt depleted by such an experience, for Virginia–it provided a mission and a purpose. She felt it was an honor to help her during the final chapter of her journey here on earth.

Like many of us mortals, Virginia felt over-whelmed at times—but continued to put each piece together until now (drum roll), she is now open for business. As Virginia talked to me with compassion and respectful humor about her first client, a woman suffering with Alzheimer’s, I experienced the difference she would make in so many lives with her new career. Check out Virginia at www.assistancewithliving.net.

No one gets how easy it is to put off daunting goals more than me—I’ve done it several times in my lifetime. Just like getting serious about losing weight—the first step is getting committed enough to take that first important step. Find yourself an accountability partner (friend, family member, coach, mentor, career club) that keeps you moving forward one step at a time. But when you find a goal that is both scary and exciting—that’s where the juicy life can be found!

I consider my friends my chosen  family.  I talk with them when I need support during a crisis, when I need advice and just want to “touch base.”  Why then, do I also need a coach?  Given that I  AM a coach myself–it got me thinking about why I/we need both a coach AND a sprinkling of wonderful friends.  Here’s what I came up with…

Objectivity — My coach helps me look at the situation, goal, dream or problem without imposing her values or how she handled a similar situation.  It’s about what works best for me that counts.

Push/Kick — My coach knows when I am stalling, trying to weasel out of something or wanting to stay in my velvet rut where it’s nice and comfy.  She is not afraid to use whatever it takes to get me to my goal.  She does not hesitate to use some special techniques to get me there–with love, of course.

Accountability — My coach isn’t a soft touch that will give me a “Get out of xxx free” card whenever I don’t make my commitments.  See above paragraph!

It’s all about me — It’s my time.  I don’t have to wait for the polite friendship volley where we each take turns to share our opinions and stories.  My coach is working toward my agenda and my agenda only.

Resources, options and new ideas — Because my coach truly understands where I’ve been and where I want to go–she always seems to have a lot of ideas I can use for my own situation.

Celebrate — Sure, I use my friends to share successes with.  But it is my coach who celebrates each little bitty step that got me there.  She “gets” the effort it took and makes sure I take time to acknowledge my progress.

The good news is that I don’t have to choose between my friends and my coach.  They are all an important part of my life. So, what do you think?  If you have a coach, how do you utilize him/her versus your family of friends?

When Holly said she was a mix–some Chihuahua–I knew I had to check it out. I had fallen in love with my daughter’s dog at Christmas time when she adopted her Chihuahua. Before that, I had never considered getting a dog–matter of fact, I would often say, “No more animals after my cat dies.”  I suppose if I had hesitated longer after the “offer,” I would have backed out–but somehow it seemed like the right thing to do. I felt like I was so wise when I agreed to take her on “trial.”  Yeah, right–one day I was “sold.”

I haven’t had a dog since I was a kid. I’m sure I’m doing everything wrong–except loving and spoiling her. Everything I have learned thus far was from my friends and neighbors, Kathy and Carla.  They said something about how they haven’t seen me smile so much until I got Josie.

Boy, has my life changed! I now know where all the dogs are in the neighborhood–and remember each of their names.  I am reading up on dog training tips and even bought a book by the Dog Whisperer.  I have adjusted my schedule away from home and pay attention to how long I need to be out.  I now get how a dog differs from a cat.  I knew my cats were low-maintenance, but a dog is so much more interactive than a cat.  The good news is that Luna, my cat and Josie, have developed a loveless tolerance of each other.

Josie is house-broken, enjoys her walks and is very lovable (I’m just saying).  But she has some issues.  She and I quickly bonded and when I leave the house, she cries (aka barks)–so my mother guilt has resurfaced big time.  And she’s frightened of most men.  I am having a dog trainer come to train me next week.  So hopefully, that situation will improve.

Now in addition to my list of qualities my someday Mr Wonderful needs to have, I have to add to the list,” must love my dog (and vice versa).”  Wish me luck!

My parents weren’t like any of those families I watched on TV when I was young. I often wondered what my friend’s families were like. They all seemed happy and normal. I knew instinctively, “what happens in the family, stays in the family.” Secrets were buried—but certainly not forgotten.

Don’t leave home without it. It’s been a life-long journey to discover just how much my early childhood affected my life. Sure, my baggage arrived with me when I got married, but I hadn’t realized all the baggage I was lugging around when I worked.

My mom wanted to raise a child that everyone liked–an expectation that haunted me throughout my life. When I sensed that a manager didn’t like me and nothing I did could change that, I allowed it to destroy my self esteem. After all, I failed my mission.

Additionally, I lived in fear that if I made a mistake, I would no longer be liked–I wouldn’t be perfect. I took everything personally. The larger the company I worked for, the more helpless I felt when I couldn’t make the changes that “should” be made—triggering those buried feelings when I felt helpless about changing my family’s situation.

Crisco in the ‘frig. Not only did I mirror my mother in her values and ways of thinking, but also in other not-so-obvious ways. When I was in college, a bunch of my friends rented a cottage on the Jersey shore. We felt so grown-up by having our own place to ourselves—including doing our own cooking.

As a few of my friends were making dinner, they began looking through all the cupboards–where on earth was the Crisco? When I finally showed up on the scene, I quickly pointed to the refrigerator. Everyone laughed (except me) and I was stunned to realize that no one else put their Crisco in the refrigerator. I quickly read the label to prove I was right, but to no avail. It didn’t need refrigeration.

This was one of my first reminders how many things we do on automatic pilot and don’t even realize where we learn them. BTW, when I asked my mother why she put the Crisco in the refrigerator she said, “So the ants can’t get in.”

The gift that keeps on giving. There were many things I promised myself I would never do to my own kids. Sure, my parents had issues, but it would be some time later when I reflected how their issues shaped who I became. As close to perfection as I am (ha, ha), I am sure that despite my good intentions, I’m sure I have passed down some of my foibles to my own daughters.

I remember a co-worker of mine back in the ’80’s sharing how he and his wife had made a commitment that as they raised their children, they would make sure they had good self-esteem. At the time of this conversation, he was struggling with his daughter’s anorexia.

Huh? Perhaps you’ve had the occasion to be in the same place at the same time with someone and the other person remembers the “scene” totally different. It sometimes makes you scratch your head and think, “Did I miss something here?” Happenings like this demonstrate how we perceive events through our own lens.

And so, it seems impossible to get through life unscathed without any “issues;” without any baggage. But despite the memories we wished we could forget and inheriting less-than-positive behaviors and mind-traps–most of us are survivors.

Mom’s legacy. The older I get the more I seem to channel my mother. I hear her whispering in my ears and cheering me on. When I was afraid I would never learn to drive, she told me, “Look at all the people driving. If they can do it, so can you. You’re as smart as they are.”

My mother was the one who “made me” take piano lessons when I was five which has brought so much joy to my life. My mom quit school in eighth grade to go to work, so it was she who made sure I went to college—the first in my family.

When I first got married and money was always “tight,” it was mom who would put an unexpected check in a letter with a note to spend it on a steak or pizza. I knew no matter what, she would support me, through good or bad and loved me unconditionally.

I remember Mama. The things I used to make fun of my mother about are the very things I miss. I would get so mad at her when she gave away some of my “stuff” when one of my little cousins would visit. Now I find I have inherited her giving spirit.

I hated her Blue Willow dishes but treasure my own little Blue Willow tea set (from when I was a kid) because it reminds me of Mom. My mom always put tissues in her apron or “house dress.” Perhaps that’s another hereditary behavior as well, because I do that myself (not in a house dress)–leaving them between the couch cushions or in kitchen. (It drives my kids nuts too!)

My mother couldn’t carry a tune and I’m sorry to say I used to ask her not to sing in church (if I was next to her). Now, whenever I hear the favorite hymns she loved (i.e. In the Garden), tears quickly come to my eyes. I can still hear her singing “I’m Forever Blowing Bubbles” (usually after a few drinks) and I wished she would sing it one more time.

The good news. Our experiences shape who we are–but we can change who we become. We are not victims. Sure it’s not easy to undo some behaviors or thought patterns, but if we become more conscious, we can create new patterns. We can learn to live with duality—not condoning bad behavior; but loving and forgiving at the same time.

I was 29 when my mother died. I wish I could tell her, “I love you,” one more time — and that I know now she did the best she could. I wonder what she’d say about how I lived my life and who I’ve become–as of today.

I used to think only special individuals had callings; you know–ministers, doctors and scientists, etc.  It’s only recently when I recognized that even regular people like me have them as well.

I wonder if all of us have a “calling” seed planted inside of them–ready to be water and nourished?  It would be awfully sad then to think how few of us are able to find ours–let alone pursue it. But I know first-hand how difficult it can be to recognize it.

I started out my career as a teacher.  I loved it.  I absolutely loved it.  I enjoyed playing the piano and guitar with the kids, finding creative ways to teach kids and sharing my passion for reading–with them.  When I got married and moved out of state, I couldn’t find a teaching job and ended up as a clerk in a manufacturing plant.  It was a tough period, because I had no clue what else I could do that would give me the same joy that teaching had.

Several years later, I found myself in human resources and I was happy again; well, at least I was happy enough.  Eventually, I began developing management training programs and I thought I had come full circle by teaching again.  Only I found out in the last few years, it was only 180 degrees.  Looking back I see the themes of when “time stood still” for me–it all had to do with helping people be the best they can be.

It seems so obvious now, but took me almost a lifetime to figure out–no wonder people over-look their calling.  The answers lie in being mindful of what brings you happiness.  My daughters would always tease me when I would be reading yet another “self-help” book.  My thirst for personal development was always evident.  Then there were the hints when I put together training. I loved digesting the information and then find ways to communicate it to managers or employees.  Yes, it was all a consistent theme in my life, but I didn’t see it.

I get clients who are so anxious to get to figure out what “it” is–they aren’t willing to take the time to put the pieces together.  They search job title after job title hoping something jumps up and taps them on the shoulder.  Many times, though, it’s the individual components of a job that give us the most clues.

It’s not too late to find the calling seed buried within you.  What are your hobbies, topics you like to read about, things you do when you don’t notice what time it is?  Become more conscious and have fun with the discovery process.

Oh yeah–one more thing.  You need to take the steps necessary to make your calling a reality.

Like weight.  Years ago, I remember after having my third baby and being challenged with losing that baby weight (I was never like all those famous people who lose all the weight within minutes of giving birth.)  I had been following the Weight Watcher diet (again), but this time, nothing seemed to work.  Everything I read kept saying, “diet AND exercise, diet AND exercise.  This was NOT what I wanted to hear.

I was used to dieting, but was not “into” exercising.  After reading an article that said if you can’t do 30 minutes, then start with 15–I reluctantly admitted I could do 15. My plan was less than noble. My thought process was that I would add exercise to my dieting for 6 weeks (I figured that was a respectable amount of time) and when “it” didn’t work, I had the ammunition to march down to my doctor’s office and say that something is wrong–give me a pill or do something to magically make my weight disappear (this was before liposuction).

I set out to walk around the neighborhood.  I timed myself, then tried to beat my last record time.  Soon I began to walk a driveway and then run to the next driveway.  I kept it up and eventually, I saw the results I wanted.  (I wish I could say that was the last time I had that losing weight challenge–but that’s another story, I mean–blog!) I

Now that I have started my own business, I am trying to discover the the right process to achieve the results I want.  The challenge this time is to figure out what the right process is.  There are many people who swear they have the answer and eager person that I am to “succeed,” have tried many of them.  Maybe someday, I’ll be able to tell you what the right formula is.  Or, perhaps, like weight loss, there is no easy or magical “fix.”

The news brought back memories when I received my own “departure notice” a few years ago. It was a meeting I’ll never forget. I was told how everyone had nothing but positive things to say about me and how my clients praised my work, (I held my breath as I waited for the other shoe to drop) but the HR role continued to evolve and I was not strategic enough to fit it.

My head knew it was just another business decision, but it felt very very personal. I’ll never forget walking out of that conference room and going back to my office. It was business-as-usual for everyone else—but in a few short minutes, my world had completely changed.

Two months later, as I swiped my employee badge for the last time, I wondered, “now what?” I had worked ever since I was 16—first in the summer months while going to school, and then full time after college. Other than a few leaves of absence due to having my three babies or having a gall bladder out—work was something I always did.

A few days later someone said hello and asked, “And how are you today?” Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to recite the expected reply, but this time was different–I hesitated. Do I tell her–”fine”–or should I be honest and admit I lost my job and hope I don’t cry? Maybe I should wait until the next time she asks? Eventually she’ll know the truth either from me or someone else. Will she be upset that I hadn’t shared my news with her sooner?

I began dreading meeting people and being asked, “What do you do?” What should I say? “I used to work at – - – but I just got laid off from my human resources job.” Was that TMI? (too much information)? Did that sound like whining or asking for sympathy? I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me—I was already doing that quite nicely for myself.

There are lots of people who don’t work outside the home. I never think twice about it—but not me. If I’m not working, then who am I? I began to understand just how much we identify with our label du jour.

Identity, labels and titles, oh my. In addition to work designations, we can be a student, mom or dad, husband or wife, married or single (you get the picture). When we are stripped of our protective label/cape, we often struggle with the whole concept of, “Well, if I’m not a – - – - , then who am I?”

There are labels and titles we gain or shed easier than others. But then there are some that are loaded with emotional baggage. Soon after my divorce, I can remember that outsider feeling so many times listening to my married friends. I’ve heard from my childless friends that they have had moments like that as well when we chat (and complain?) about our kids. There are empty nesters and the newly retired. It’s not just the label, but the inner changes we need to make—sometimes needing more of an adjustment than initially thought.

An inside-out story. A hundred years ago, I went from being an HR Secretary on Friday to being an HR Director of a non-profit agency on Monday (literally). I remember starting my new role and feeling like a phony. “They are expecting me to know what I’m doing. Little do they know I’m clueless.” Well, I rose to the occasion. I knew more than I gave myself credit for; because I did find the right answers. But I learned first-hand how powerful “fake it ’till you make it” can be.

The reverse situation happened many years later when I first moved to Asheville. I was a part-time agency temp in an HR department doing filing, processing benefit packages, taking photos of new employees etc (you get the picture—excuse the pun). It didn’t pay much, but I appreciated earning a little money while I was building my new coaching business.

When Jennifer was at lunch, I would sit at the reception desk, answer the phone and greet visitors. When I told my daughters I was relieving the receptionist, they laughed, “Mom, do they know you could run the whole department?” The department managers who came by to ask for the HR Director, seemed to look through me–like I was invisible. As I smiled and went to get the Director, I had finally learned I was not my title.

Self inflicted titles. It’s bad enough to have all the titles and labels we have or we get from society, but have you ever listened how we label ourselves? I’ve heard people describe themselves as: lazy, stupid, fat, old, tired, shy to name a few. I confess I’ve even said a few of them to myself. Whether or not we ever utter such words out loud, those labels are there–floating around in our minds.

It’s amazing how powerful our own labels affect our actions and thinking. I’ve recently been observing on how people think about or act their age. While I occasionally think I’m a bit nuts to be starting a business now in my sixties, my passion continues to energize me and I am finally experiencing fun with my work. Who could ask for more?

Another lesson from Adele and Jack. Many of you will remember me talking about my dear friends, Adele and Jack, who were killed in a tragic car accident last September. I was honored to give a eulogy to celebrate their lives and share how much I loved them.

As I listened to everyone else’s eulogies, I was struck that despite the fact that none of us knew what we were going to say, we all seemed to repeat the same things. So much so that Pastor Dan actually made note of it.

Isn’t it interesting that people who hadn’t known them in their younger lives were able to “see” the very same qualities they lived–in their later years. It wasn’t their job or their title (although Adele and Jack’s work had been very noble and notable) that we remembered—it went much deeper than that. We experienced their true legacy.

What’s your legacy? Brad Swift, in his book Life on Purpose,says that “life purpose isn’t ever about what you do, but is instead more about who you are.” I love the reminder that we’re called human beings, not human doings.

• How do your labels or titles serve you? Listen—really listen to what is going on inside your head and heart? Do your labels increase your motivation or hold you back? If you gave yourself another label, how would that change your beliefs and actions?